Posted by: M.C. | 2 April 2011

Getting to Fun…

…Isn’t always so easy. Take an impending race for which I am woefully underprepared (and I’m not exaggerating or being falsely modest. I’ve run six races in the past six years, and I’ve never lacked confidence that my training gave me a solid chance to perform at my level of expectations. Not so this time.), mix in a move to a new house we’ll be renting, add the usual pinch of work stress, and stir in a generous helping of toddler, and you will have the perfect mixture for my current state.

I’m trying to figure out what I need to do or have on a regular basis to feel that I can manage my demons well enough to do my job, get in some creative work, and behave like a decent human being to my wife and children. The answer that comes to mind is an old one: structure, regularity, habits that nuture my emotional well-being. But those seem hard to come by.

I don’t write very often because at work I feel that I need to be doing my job and at home I have a hard time finding a settled, quiet space. The move to the new house should help somewhat with the second problem, at least as far as space goes. I don’t run as much as I should (hence the lack of race preparation) because I haven’t worked myself into a regular time to do it. Once upon a time I’d get up at 5 or 5:30. But that means getting to bed early enough, and that means not getting caught up in this or that TV show that sucks my brain dry anyway but also turns off all of the stresses that add to my need for writing and running time.

Push has definitely come to shove, but unfortunately the place they keep meeting is me.

Of course, it might help if I stopped expecting to be sane, prepared to meet each day, and productive, but the demands of work and home sometimes make it difficult to blow those things off. But somehow I have to find a way to not let them drive my emotional state. I have to find a way to convince myself that doing what I can do in my own way and time will be good enough.

Stay tuned.

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